Why I almost didn't share my Substack with anyone
A Friday Kitchen Table Chat about the fear of exposure, how I moved past it and how you can support your self-expression.
(Pssst…if you watched the video and want to check out the three Flower Essences I recommend, scroll to the bottom of the post 😉)
I almost didn’t share my Substack with anyone.
Monday arrived, and so did allllllll the excuses not to show up and share in all the way I had planned.
And I was so close to letting it be. Letting it slide. Doing what I have a colorful history of doing and just not following through when it comes to my creativity, work and projects and sharing them confidently with the world.
It’s not for the lack of desire, motivation, focus or preparation; it’s the fear of exposure. I was afraid of the exposure. And I’m sure so many people, especially people who are doing their own business, create content, create art, can relate to that fear.
They know it well.
So, I woke up on Monday, with everything ready on Substack, everything ready to share with my tiny but mighty community on Instagram…and all of a sudden I was hit with this sense of, “Meh…nah, it doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t push it. No, it’s silly. I shouldn’t. I’ll just wait. I’ll build it up for a while silently and then maybe I’ll share it if it’s good, it I even keep it up. If it’s worth sharing….”
…..Lindsey. 🤦🏼♀️
Thank GOD I had a moment later Monday morning (my self-bullshit radar is getting pretty sensitive at this point in my life) and I was like, wait a minute. I recognize this pattern. I know this pattern and, you know what? I’m doing things differently this time around. I won’t hold back, stay silent or stay small.
And as we close this 9 Year Cycle, we have a chance to really let go of habits, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, mindsets that no longer serve us. To leave it all behind (in this cluster fuck of a 9 Year Cycle we just went through 😂)
I’m not bringing old Lindsey into this bright new cycle we have ahead.
And me being me, I like to unpack things. So I was like, “Ok, what’s really behind me not wanting to share?”
I marinated on it a while, and realized it came down to the fear of exposure. *cue spooky music*
It didn’t have anything to do with being afraid of the work, the energy, the time, the focus and creativity involved in doing something new. It was the fear of vulnerability, especially when it comes to sharing something you create and make. And in my case: a simple blog post.
But to me, it didn’t feel simple.
Because it was the first step, the first rooting down, of this much bigger vision I have about what I want to create online: the content, the community, the brand, the energy behind it. This small but significant Substack launch was the beginning of my new brand and vision.
And I was afraid people would think it was silly, people would think it’s lame and dumb, and cringe, and be embarrassed for me.
So I thought I might as well save myself and everyone around me the embarrassment and not share at all.
And, my friends, it was in that moment that I realized how easy it is to stay small.
How easy it is to allow the fear of exposure to hold you back from something you want, something you want to do and something you’ve wanted to create for so long.
How easy it is to stay in our comfort zone, even if we really want to leave it for something we know we’re meant to do or have…because it feels safe. It’s known. It doesn’t require us to peel back a layer of ourselves and expose that to the world.
So, it’s asking ourselves, how can we push past this? How can we choose past this? How can we decide and act past our ego dropping in, being super loud and wanting to keep us safe and small?
For me, I’ve been doing a lot of letting go and unlearning the last few years and, especially, in the last few months. I had to. I let go of an entire established chapter of my life and entered a new one…and although it was the best decision I’ve made in years, it also took a lot of letting go and unpacking lots of different layers within myself.
I realized on Monday when I was working through all this Substack-sharing stuff, that I was just done disappointing myself (and my inner children) when it came to work and creativity. I was tired of my own bullshit, my own excuses and I didn’t want to be small and silent anymore.
I was just done.
I was done with that cycle of not showing up in the ways that I wanted to show up, and in the ways that I promised myself I would. I’ve done too much work on myself, and quite frankly, I’m just too old to be giving a shit what other people think of my voice and creative work 😂👵🏼
I want to be a light in this world, and one way I know how to do that and want to do that is through my writing, my voice, my content and creativity, and the communities that I build. And one conduit for me to do these things right now is on Substack and Instagram.
So I shared about my Substack on Monday with my sweet Instagram family.
It might seem like a whole lot of rigmarole just to share an Instagram post to almost 250 followers about my Substack with two posts.
But like I said, this is the beginning of a really strong, bright vision I have, and I have a pattern of getting ready to share and show up, and then collapsing right at the last minute and deciding to stay small.
So I did this for me. I did this for the one person who might be inspired or feel seen by what I shared.
I also did this for my inner children. My little Lindsey’s. Especially, little fourth-grade Lindsey, who just started at a new school and did not fit in with her peers. Who was made fun of and teased by “the cool girls” for being too mature and too serious. And who realized it was safer and easier to stay small and not be noticed. Not to stand out and, instead, try to fit in with everyone else, even if it meant not being herself.
So I’m doing this for her, I’m doing this for me and I’m doing this because the Divine put it on my heart to be a light in this world. And to not overcomplicate that. Just show up, and share what lights ME up. Because when we all start sharing our own, unique, individual light, that’s when we glow the brightest.
And I’m getting this image now: Each of us is a spotlight, you know the kind of spotlight you find in a live theatre production. And think of life as the stage…it’s pretty dark. And if we share our spotlight with another beam and light up that same part of the stage, yeah, it’s maybe a bit brighter, but it doesn’t expand; it doesn’t brighten up the other dark parts of the stage. But if all of us turned on our light, and lit up our own, individual spot on the stage, and didn’t cross our beam with another spotlight and share that spotlight, then there would be thousands and thousands of spotlights being turned on on that stage, we’d light up the whole world.
And believe me, there’s enough room for all of our spotlights, because…it’s a pretty big dark stage 😅
So, I encourage you to look at where you may feel this fear of exposure and vulnerability.
Where you might be staying, small, to stay safe.
And if you don’t know where to start, do what I did and start to look at the areas where you keep putting something off and making excuses. Hit the pause button, look at it with love, grace and objectivity - not judgment - and see if you can go a few layers deeper and you might discover where the root of that desire to stay small and unchanged really starts.
I hope this little “Friday Kitchen Table Chat” has been supportive 🥹 I plan to do a video or audio each week on Fridays and make it a “Kitchen Table Chat” series and share something I’d share with a soul sister.
Would that feel and sound good?!
And here are the Three Flower Essences I’d recommend to work with, if you want to boost and strengthen your self-confidence, self-worth and self-expression:
Sunflower: Boosts self-confidence and self-esteem. Radiant self-expression. And think about it - the Sunflower stands tall, proud, bright and it follows the sun. The quintessential “radiant personality” essence.
Larch: Strengthens self-confidence and your creative expression. Supports the ability to take risks and be spontaneous.
Goldenrod: Brings a strong sense of individuality and being secure in your unique self. If you feel overly influenced by family, friends, external demands and peer pressure, this essence allows you to be true to yourself.
You can find all of these essences through the Flower Essence Services website. If you have any questions about how to use them or if you want a personalized blend for yourself, reach out to me at lindsey(at)sunlightandsagebrush.com and I’d be more than happy to help and support you!